Mothers teach their daughters to be nice and polite. Showing rudeness, getting into a fight – such behaviour is not beautiful for a girl. But by instilling good manners, parents deprive their daughter of self-defence skills. Whether she will be able to resist male violence in the future – few people think about it.
Unfortunately, most modern women have been taught that it is necessary to hide and suppress feelings that do not look ‘feminine’. And from generation to generation, mothers pass on this norm to their daughters – to ‘act nice’, to be nice, thus depriving them of the ability to defend themselves.
In the world of girls, ‘being nice’ means ‘not being strong.’ But by requiring daughters to remain ‘nice’ and behave politely to everyone, mothers take away their weapons with which to respond to an abuser. Sometimes they don’t even give them the strength to speak back.
WHAT OBEDIENCE RISKS IN THE FUTURE
Here are a few possible scenes from the future.
- While you are leafing through a tattered fashion magazine in the next room, your teenage daughter is going through a difficult piece before a concert with her favourite piano teacher. She seems to be doing well, and at the same time the teacher puts his hand on her hip… Confused and scared, she freezes and doesn’t know what to say.
- At a party at a friend’s house, she (already 18 years old) is ready to dance
all night long. She really likes the way she looks in her tight dress. She may have had a little more than usual to drink. A guy from the company, who has never spoken to her before, invites her to go out on the balcony, but as she walks across the room, she hears him close the door behind them… Her heart jumps up in her chest and the girl feels an instant panic. - Having got a job after graduating from university, she goes on a business trip for the first time. At 10 p.m., a knock is heard and, opening the door, she sees her boss on the threshold of her room with a bottle of wine in one hand and two glasses in the other.
WHAT MESSAGES MOTHERS LEAVE FOR THEIR DAUGHTERS
44% of women in America have been sexually harassed at least once in their lifetime and one in five, or 20%, are raped. In most cases, it’s not a maniac or serial offender who commits the violence, but someone they’ve known before.
When that moment comes, you won’t be there for them. The only thing that will help is the advice you gave before, the things you taught them as a child. And it’s usually not about how important it is to protect yourself, but how to be comfortable. Here are some examples.
1. ‘Don’t be so shy – hug your uncle.’
Message: a good girl is obliged to show sympathy, she does not dispose of her own body. To not show sympathy to someone who demands it is to behave rudely.
Lesson learnt: don’t trust yourself and your sense of antipathy. To be accepted and approved of, be prepared to agree to show sympathy without hesitation, even if the person is unpleasant to you.
2. ‘He didn’t mean to hurt you, he was just playing. Be a good girl and give him your toys.’
Message: a good girl expects only good things from others and sees only good things, despite what they do and how they act. You need to ignore aggression from anyone and continue to be nice and alert.
Lesson learned: learn to ignore threats and find excuses for aggressive behaviour towards you. Forget how you want to respond to the offender and respond to rudeness and violence only with kindness.
3. ‘You’re not angry with him, are you? You’re just upset.’
The message: good girls don’t get angry. They suppress anger and experience more decent feelings – like sadness. Anger points to the offender. Anger demands justice. Sadness leaves the victim to fend for themselves…..
Lesson learnt: someone else’s comfort is always more important than your own and how you feel. Suppress anger before you even realise it so that everyone around you feels good.
WHAT ELSE MOTHERS NEED TO KEEP IN MIND
Let me ask you a few more questions.
- If something does happen to her, will the daughter have the strength to talk about it?
- Will she be confident enough (and will she still have that confidence after what happened) to realise that it is not her fault?
- If she experiences sexual abuse, will she keep quiet and keep it to herself? Psychologists regularly tell us that sometimes this silence is even more damaging than the trauma itself.
Why are mothers so blind to the destructive messages they send to their daughters?
We should all remember at least two important phrases to say to girls from childhood:
‘If you tell me you don’t feel comfortable around someone – whether it’s a family friend or a relative – I will always listen to you and take it seriously. Your safety is more important to me than anything else.