Passion, shared memories – all of these things help us to ignore the signs that something is going wrong in a relationship for a long time and quite successfully. Moreover, sometimes we intuitively understand from the very beginning that the union is doomed, but we prefer not to think about it. How can we honestly admit to ourselves: we have failed, it’s time to move on?
Painful but true: we often overestimate our abilities. We think we have it in our power to save the relationship. We think that all is not lost. It is only necessary to ‘try hard’, and the growing hole in the fabric of the common space will be patched. Sometimes what is broken can really be repaired. But in some situations it is necessary to notice the beginning of the end in time and retreat for your own good. In what cases should you do this?
1. YOU DON’T FEEL SAFE
It’s not just about physical or psychological abuse. We may feel uneasy and anxious because our partner is not ready to make plans for the future with us. He may claim that he lives in the moment, or he may suggest that we just wait – someday we will build a real family (start living together, have children – there can be a lot of options). And we wait, and then some more and some more.
When a partner makes no commitment, we feel insecure and unstable
We don’t know if we can rely on him or her, if he or she will be there for us when we need help and support, if he or she won’t cower in the face of difficulties.
Today, many people equate security with boredom and urge us to run away from such a partner before we get ‘bogged down’. But in fact, when we feel safe around someone, we become more confident and make more courageous decisions, knowing that even if we stumble, we will surely be picked up.
2. YOU ARE NOT RESPECTED
Many people think that being disrespected means being insulted, cheated on, or cheated on. This is true, but it often takes more complex forms:
- devalue feelings,
- make unkind jokes (including in front of others),
- not honouring promises,
- violate personal boundaries.
And without respect, it is impossible to build a long-term relationship, either friendly or romantic
After 20 years of research, relationship expert John Gottman has concluded that the only sure sign of impending divorce is disrespect (one spouse’s lack of respect for the other or both). If you have to assert your right to respect time and time again, something is going wrong in your relationship.
3. YOU DON’T FEEL UNDERSTOOD OR TRUSTED
Perhaps you’re the kind of person who is particularly sensitive to words – evaluations, comments, criticism. And perhaps you have repeatedly told your partner about it and asked him to be gentler, more sensitive with you. And yet he continues to tell you that you have gained weight, that the new haircut does not suit you, the borscht was not successful, and to tell jokes in the company you definitely should not, ‘or you will put yourself in a stupid position, like last time’.
When you get upset, he is surprised and suggests not to take everything too personally. And that’s very frustrating. It’s equally frustrating to know that your partner doesn’t believe you. Even in little things. For example, you say that his favourite product was not in the shop, and in his opinion – you just didn’t look hard enough.
It would seem, well, what is terrible: it’s not cheating, not humiliation, not manhandling
But think about it: do you really want to put up with this even if, for example, you have great sex and have fun together? Maybe you should find someone who understands you in the most important things, with whom you will be calm, comfortable and safe?
You deserve to be understood and accepted as you are, to be able to share your feelings freely and not be afraid of your partner’s reaction. Confidence in the person next to you and in the future.