Everyone wants to have a great relationship with their partner. But in practice it often turns out not to be so. Moreover, divorce statistics show that a significant part of people in principle can not build a dialogue and solve the arising contradictions, which leads to the destruction of families. Why does this happen? Maybe we have a wrong idea of what relationships are based on?
WHO WE FEEL UNCONDITIONAL LOVE FOR
I suggest that we start by abstracting from the norms of morality and ethics and try to look at us from a biological point of view. Humans are animals. Like any animal, we have instincts aimed at survival – preservation of life and health, continuation of the species and the need for hierarchy.
When we are born, we are normally loved and valued by our parents and other relatives simply for the fact of our existence. When we have children, we also love them simply because they are our children. This is a manifestation of unconditional love, that is, love without any conditions. We are simply loved. In essence, such love is conditioned by the instinct of continuation – a programme that nature ‘invented’ so that we care for and protect our offspring.
We do not need (if we do not have any psychological problems ourselves) any achievements and merits from our children to love them
This ‘rule’ of unconditional love applies only to children (sometimes to parents and other relatives), and that – until the children grow up. We do not love other people for nothing. We always love them for something – or rather, for the good things we get from them. Moreover, our relations with our children change a bit as they grow up, because we expect some help, attention and care from them. We have spent a lot of time, effort and money on them, and now we want some return. At least, that’s what a lot of people think.
HOW WE BUILD RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE
We build relationships with other people according to the principle ‘advantageous – disadvantageous’. And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just the way we are. And there’s a logic to it, too. If you sit in silence for a while and think about whether you love someone for nothing, most likely it will be children and parents. And not everyone does.
But what about our partners? What about them? Can we love them for nothing? The answer is unlikely to please many people. No – we don’t love our partners for nothing. Unlike children and parents, we choose our partners. And we choose them for something specific that we like. And if this something specific (care, attention, affection, understanding) disappears or decreases, we stop liking such relationships and we are ready to part.
Endless quarrels, offences, spats, jealousy and many other things increase this desire
Yes, many would like to believe that our wives and husbands love us because we just are. But, unfortunately, this is just an illusion. Especially women are prone to it, who unwittingly extend unconditional love for the child to their spouse. But no matter what the child does, the mother will almost always understand and love him, no matter what.
In a relationship, a woman with a healthy psyche will not tolerate the antics of her husband. That’s why there are ex-husbands or wives, but no ex-son or mum.
HOW TO BUILD A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP
For our relationships to be long and happy, we should learn to separate unconditional love for children and parents and love from the position of some benefits. Benefits can be different. Some people care about material benefits, some people care about mutual respect and trust, some people care about reliability and good parental qualities.
There are benefits – we live with our partner. No benefits, we split up. Yeah, that sounds a little cynical. But we can spend a long time in the clouds, expecting that we will be loved just because we are, or we can face the truth and realise that we communicate with us only because of the benefits. Again, there is nothing surprising about this. It’s just the way we are. What’s more, we are like that ourselves. And if we have a healthy self-esteem and all is well with the psyche, we will not tolerate someone for nothing.
The benefits in a relationship are not always obvious. This is why some people are in unhealthy relationships and will not break up
For example, fear of being alone can keep a woman in an unhealthy relationship and find excuses for her husband’s antics. It is easier for a woman in such a relationship than being alone. This means she finds her own benefit in such an essentially unhappy relationship.
No one would be in a relationship without benefits. And neither will we. Given this fact, we need our partner to bring the initial benefit that we received at the beginning of our relationship and respond in kind. If a relationship is built on mutual benefit, it builds a strong foundation for the union. After all, when we say ‘I love you’ to someone, we essentially mean ‘I love you because I feel good with you since …’. We always love someone for something.
We are used to enjoying ourselves without paying attention to our partner’s needs. And then with genuine surprise we come to the psychologist and report that ‘the wife left to another’ or ‘the husband decided to live alone’.
If the partner leaves us, it means that he has stopped receiving benefits from our relationship. Therefore, if we want to keep the relationship, we need to understand what our partner wants, and simply be favourable to him.