Self-care is often misunderstood. It means indulging one’s own weaknesses, paying too much attention to one’s appearance, and turning to fashionable spiritual practices. This approach is in the hands of business – beauty salons, trading companies and numerous “gurus”. But in reality, this concept is much deeper…..
There has been a lot of talk lately about taking care of yourself. On television, in social networks, at seminars and training courses, they teach you how to do it. Sometimes at great expense. As a result, the concept of self-care is misunderstood. And the reason for this is a misinterpretation of the idea itself, says clinical psychologist Alice Boyes. She proposes to dispel the myths associated with this concept, and to understand when we really care for ourselves, and when we simply indulge our own selfishness.
1. DON’T JUST TREAT YOURSELF TO “GOODIES” AND INDULGE
We mistake only numerous face masks, massages, buying gifts and goodies as self-care. Sometimes that’s exactly what we need. But not always. As a rule, real care is to make ourselves go to the dentist, buy new and addictive trainers to replace worn out but fit like a glue, spend extra money for lunch or pass by the nearest fast food place where we can eat a normal soup or salad.
2. BE AWARE OF THE NEEDS OF OTHERS
Taking care of yourself does not mean neglecting the needs of others. We have all probably met people who, while taking care of themselves, dictate their own terms, put pressure on others and dump their own affairs on them. This happens in the workplace, in the family, and in the company of friends.
But our tiredness is not a reason to shift our work on the shoulders of another tired and overloaded colleague. We have no right to declare: “I won’t get to the paediatrician by the time I have an appointment because I don’t want to wake the baby. We have our own schedule.” And come when it is convenient for us, breaking the order of priority and causing inconvenience to other children and parents.
Sometimes this kind of self-love comes with a conflict of interest. But ideally, of course, it should not create difficulties for other people, according to Boyes. And if we’re constantly being hindered by someone else, it’s time to wonder if we’re getting the word “caring” right.
“Think about the forms of it that benefit both you and those around you. For example, spend more time in nature with your children, read books to them before bedtime, organise small home holidays – for example, all together prepare Sunday dinner. If you need to calm down, slow down, your loved ones can help you with that,” recommends Alice Boyes.
3. ALLOW YOURSELF NOT TO FOLLOW A CLEAR SCRIPT
Let’s say you need to get a new document: a work pass. You’ve been procrastinating for the third week because you want to look flawless in the photo, and there’s no way you’re going to get to the photographer. What would be an act of caring? Taking a beautiful photo or getting the right document on time?
None of these options can be considered the best or the worst. It all depends on the situation, on what is more important at the moment. You need a beautiful photo, despite the fact that no one will admire your face on the pass. Then it will be more important to go and take a photo the way you want. Or for you it is more important to have peace in the team. Then it is better to choose a more or less decent photo and hurry up to take the pass.
Taking care of yourself often involves self-knowledge and psychological flexibility, the ability to choose the best option for you in a given situation.
4. ACCEPT AND FEEL SORRY FOR YOURSELF
Numerous studies support the importance of self-compassion. In a broad sense, self-compassion is recognising our right to be who we are: funny, embarrassed, hurt. Recognising that our emotions are part of a universal experience. For example, someone who is able to have compassion for themselves realises that guilt is sometimes experienced by everyone, not just them, that it is normal.
Developing the skill of self-care helps us realise that fear, pain, hatred, anger are natural, they give us the opportunity to think about how to move forward and not give up. By taking care of ourselves, we try to get rid of obsessive thoughts, we don’t let perfectionism grow into inaction and self-sabotage.
5. COMMUNICATE WITH CLOSE AND INTERESTING PEOPLE
According to the author, one of the most important manifestations of paying attention to yourself is to seek communication rather than isolation in difficult situations. And this applies even to introverts.
Self-care is often seen as something purely individual – sitting in pyjamas with a mask on your face or meditating.
But even if a person is a loner by nature, they need companionship, especially in a stressful situation
Sometimes there is nothing better than opening up to a close friend or relative and asking for support, re-establishing contact with a significant person after a long break or face-to-face, live chatting with pleasant online interlocutors.
It is possible to find forms of communication that are appropriate for you. For example, having a one-on-one conversation with someone you like. Or playing a group sport that gives you a sense of belonging, of being involved in a common endeavour.
Sometimes the most appropriate care is solitude, for example, after a hectic day. But Alice Boyes urges even introverts and anyone who values emotional self-sufficiency not to overlook the benefits of socialising.
Don’t buy into the nice commercialised versions of ‘self-care’. They are reduced to body care or pseudo-spiritual practices. When we are deceived, we overlook the most useful and accessible forms of true self-love.