What’s the first thing you think about when things aren’t going your way? If you mentally reassure and encourage yourself – congratulations, you’ve learnt one of the hardest things to do – show empathy towards yourself. But if you find yourself saying “you’re a fool” in your head, you have some work to do.
WHAT IS A “COMPASSIONATE MIND”
Answer this question honestly: How often do you mentally judge and criticise yourself? How would you react, for example, if you accidentally deleted a document you had been working on all day and realised that it could not be restored? Yes, the situation is unpleasant and you feel bad about what happened. But instead of supporting yourself: “We all make mistakes, I can fix it, I just need a little more time”, many people start to sprinkle their head with ashes and only add negative emotions: “Why does this always happen to me? I always mess things up, I can never succeed because of my stupidity!”.
We all need kindness and compassion, not only when we feel compassion for someone else, but also when we show these emotions to ourselves. This is the concept of the ‘compassionate mind’, and was pioneered by British clinical psychologist Paul Gilbert, who noticed that traditional therapies did not always produce the desired results when working with patients suffering from self-criticism, shame and anxiety.
Inspired by the ideas of Buddhist psychology, which places great emphasis on developing compassion and kindness towards self and others, Gilbert began to develop practices and techniques aimed at cultivating compassion. Thus emerged the “compassionate mind,” a theory about a state in which we can be kinder to ourselves, understand our emotions, and find peace in even the most difficult situations in life.
We can accept our feelings and thoughts without judgement, support ourselves in times of stress, deal with self-criticism and feelings of shame, which improves our emotional wellbeing and inner harmony. In essence, the foundation of a “compassionate mind” is empathy for ourselves.
HOW TO BE EMPATHIC WITH YOURSELF
1. Listen to how you feel
If you are nervous or anxious, stop for a moment and ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now? Why am I feeling this way?”. Acknowledging your emotions is the first step to self-compassion.
2. Be kind to yourself
Imagine it’s your friend who has deleted an important document or is going through some other difficult moment? Would you tell him/her that he/she is the one who messed up? Or would you be supportive, telling him that he did the best he could? Use the same words of encouragement and kindness towards yourself.
3. Give yourself permission to rest
Sometimes this can be the best expression of empathy for yourself. If you feel exhausted, give yourself time and opportunity to recover. Rest is not a sign of weakness, but an important part of self-care.
4. Think positively
Many people mistakenly believe that positive thinking is putting on rose-coloured glasses: denying and ignoring all problems, refusing to acknowledge difficulties and believing that there are only positive aspects to life. But in fact, positive thinking involves the ability to cheer yourself up in difficult moments.
At work
Negative thinking: “I’ll never get this project done. I will fail.”
Positive thinking: “This project is difficult, but I can get through it if I work consistently and seek help when I need it.”
In my personal life
Negative thinking: “All my relationships end in failure. I will never find the right partner.”
Positive thinking: “I have learnt a lot(s) from past relationships. I now have a better understanding of what I need and will use this experience in the future.”
5. KEEP A SELF-ESTEEM DIARY
Every day, write down achievements and moments when you have shown kindness to yourself. Don’t ignore even the smallest victories: successfully completing a task at work, or supporting yourself in a difficult situation. By writing these down, you will begin to notice and appreciate your efforts and successes, and therefore become more confident in yourself.
Self-compassion is a key element of mental health. It helps to reduce stress and anxiety, as well as boosting self-esteem, improving emotional wellbeing and developing emotional resilience. Developing a ‘compassionate mind’ is the path to inner peace and self-confidence.