Constructive criticism is really no less valuable for development than praise and recognition. Only when people are emotionally overloaded due to personal and external crises, and social networks create the illusion that behind the screen there is always a character and not a living person, the line between criticism as such and insults to vent one’s soul has been erased. Let’s find out what kind of feedback should be taken into account and how not to get upset because of it.
WHAT IS CRITICISM?
Criticism is evaluative feedback that focuses on a person’s blind spots and weaknesses. It can be both constructive (i.e. really aimed at improving the result) and destructive – if its only purpose is to upset the person.
Constructive criticism is concrete, objective and sensitive: it is reasoned criticism that emphasises only what a person is able to improve, without getting personal or affecting other areas of life.
Destructive, as the name suggests, is destructive. As a rule, it is a completely subjective opinion with the aim of hurting or offending: for example, a colleague who says that your skirt makes you look fat and your new haircut is not to your liking is not doing it out of concern.
WHY IS CRITICISM ALWAYS UNPLEASANT?
It is not easy to accept feedback, even if we ourselves have asked for it and received a constructive answer: the unconscious reaction to any criticism is always defence in various manifestations, because being bad or at least not good enough is scary, especially if we do not meet not other people’s expectations, but our own.
No one likes criticism: even the most psychologically stable people will feel resistance, anger, resentment or disappointment in themselves a second sooner than gratitude to the interlocutor for correct remarks. Our self-identity tends to be malleable, so an outside opinion in the moment can cause us to question the knowledge we have gained about ourselves over the years – especially in people who have been previously traumatised by value judgements from a close circle. This is stressful for the psyche, so it will defend and fight back.
DEALING WITH REACTIONS TO FEEDBACK
In order not to react to any remark from the outside with the intention of going to live in the forest, it is important to develop an internal support – a certain system of knowledge about yourself that remains more or less stable and supported by facts. For example, having tangible evidence of the success of your work (positive feedback, numerical indicators), you will not cease to be a competent specialist from a single edit: in moments of doubt it will only be useful to once again refer to your own achievements.
Much of the psychological approaches to accepting criticism are built precisely on strengthening internal supports, that is, working with the mindset: without being able to control the actions and expressions of others, we can focus on ourselves and our patterns.
1. Developing non-judgementalism
The mentally challenging skill of non-judgemental observation, both of an individual situation and of one’s own reactions to it, is a useful tool for easing the acceptance of criticism. By allowing the flow of thoughts to just be, we teach the psyche how to cope with frustration, and reduce the mental load without wallowing in self-defeat.
The first step to being value-free is to rethink the terminology we use. The words ‘good/bad’ and ‘good/bad’ in the majority of cases act as subjective labels that imprint on the perception of reality, so the conjunction ‘I am criticised = I am bad’ is nothing more than a projection. Pausing for a few inhales and exhales and detaching yourself from incorrect formulations will help you not to fall into a stupor at the mere thought that someone is now giving feedback.
2. Response Diary
The diary concept, which is universal to the cognitive-behavioural approach, helps us to look at any unwanted reaction in a new way, to identify destructive automatic thoughts and beliefs, and to pay attention to what helps us cope. Now there are many apps designed as a classic KPT diary, you can also keep it on paper, in the format of a table with several columns. If we are talking directly about reactions to criticism, the columns can look like this:
- Trigger (the situation in which we were criticised);
- Reaction (your behaviour at a particular moment);
- Emotion (what we experience from this fact: anxiety, resentment, bitterness);
- Automatic thoughts (what is the first thing that arises in your mind regarding this situation: ‘He is wrong/doesn’t understand’, ‘I am no good’ and any other reaction);
- Body sensations (you can rate the discomfort on a scale of 1 to 10, or describe reactions: lump in throat, difficulty breathing);
- Alternative reaction (how we would like to behave/react in this situation).
It seems that such a diary is long and tedious, but in practice just a couple of precedents can highlight important behavioural habits or beliefs that we don’t think about as destructive. Bonus – constant self-observation increases the level of contact with the body, as well as – the very inner support.
3. Self-regulation tools
If you can’t take feedback calmly, it’s important to be able to stabilise yourself in the moment. Breathing practices, shifting the focus to sensations (what is in front of me, what I smell, what I feel), muscle relaxation are good ‘first aid’ tools when it becomes uncomfortable, but it is important to remain effective and not to fall into reflection: all of these can be practised unnoticed by others, while alleviating your condition on a physical level.
4. Focus on the motivation of the person being criticised
If you think about the purpose of the feedback you are giving, you can not only distract yourself from the discomfort, but also realise whether you should take it seriously at all. When a comment is made with the intention of maximising our potential (for example, a manager points out typos in a presentation when the work is excellent), it is more likely to elicit gratitude and highlight a growth area – not very pleasant, but it happens to everyone. If the same information is broadcast by a colleague who has nothing to do with our project, the goal is to hurt and make us doubt ourselves. In such a case, it is enough to thank them and remove yourself from the dialogue, because a colleague’s opinion will not be constructive criticism, and we are not obliged to accept and process destructive criticism.