Doubts and disappointments sometimes overwhelm everyone. And if we give in to destructive thoughts, we can believe that everything is hopeless and slip into a state of eternal failure. But when we realise where our thoughts are leading us, we can turn things around.
WHAT ARE THE THOUGHTS THAT KEEP YOU FROM MOVING FORWARD
I have to work through difficult past experiences with clients, and every time I see them overcome with disbelief. They doubt their worthiness, their ability to get better, or even that they deserve anything better.
On the road to healing, inner logic throws up heavy thoughts:
- ‘I’m a total loser, and there’s nothing I can do about it.’
- ‘My life is a mess, no matter how hard I try to fix it.’
- ‘It’s hopeless. I guess I’m just not meant to be happy.’
These self-deprecating reflections can be very painful and trap you in self-sabotage. After all, if improvement is hopeless, there’s nothing to even try.
Perhaps not everyone has reached the point of hopelessness that some clients have, but many have probably experienced doubt and uncertainty more than once. When we go along with uncertainty and let it guide our actions, we move away from what is serious and important.
HOW TO GET RID OF THESE ATTITUDES
That’s why I always work on disarming thoughts. In order to disarm a destructive attitude, you have to deprive it of its habitual function. For example, take the thought, ‘I’m not good enough.’ This is an extremely heavy, depressing thought that often leads to more longing and suffering. However, if you chant ‘I’m not good enough’ to the tune of ‘Happy Birthday,’ it loses its original meaning. The words are still the same, but the effect – the function – changes.
Disarming techniques that produce this result are many. Many people I have worked with have managed to disarm their thoughts, that is, to take away their power. And while disarming techniques are effective in dealing with the inner critic, at some point the client comes back to objectivity: ‘But it’s true!’
Many cling tenaciously to their insecurity because they are convinced it is the truth:
- ‘I don’t have a penny.’
- ‘My spouse doesn’t love me anymore.’
- ‘My life is a nightmare.’
- ‘I’ve been disenfranchised.’
- ‘I’ve been diagnosed with cancer.’
HOW ACCEPTANCE AND RESPONSIBILITY THERAPY CAN HELP
Of course, it is much easier to let go of doubts if you generally realise that the thought is not justified. But when the deepest fears are justified, everything is much more difficult. At such moments, one is tempted to get into an argument, to start convincing the person that he/she has ‘not all is lost’ or ‘there is still a future’. However, this will only lead to unnecessary excuses and make the situation even worse.
But I have changed tactics. Acceptance and responsibility therapy doesn’t try to find out how true a particular thought is. Moreover, it doesn’t matter so much whether it is positive or negative. None of that matters. What matters is what and how the thought serves. After all, thoughts are tools. They push you to follow goals and values or, conversely, pull you into self-destructive behaviour.
The value of a thought is not measured by its validity, but by how it works and what it does to us
The negative statement ‘I’m a bad friend’ can make you more considerate of people. A negative and certainly true statement like ‘I’m going to die’ can help us reflect on how we live our lives. An unpleasant truth like ‘My personal life is a mess’ can be a reason to sign up for a dating site. And in the same way, the quite positive statement ‘I’m always the coolest at everything’ can ruin relationships with others and make us a narcissist.
The content of the thought is not that important. Whether it is true or not is not either. All that matters is where it leads. It is only its action that matters. The next time your mind starts babbling about mistakes and shortcomings, and your inner critic cranks up the volume so you can hear better and surely believe it because it’s true, ask yourself: ‘Does this thought somehow help me live and move forward?’ If yes, great! And if not, it’s time to remember the upbeat tune of the Happy Birthday song.